Until now I did not know nor did I desire to know what it meant to be...soft. To submit. Even as I type those words an anxiety swells up in my chest and tears trickle in reverse and instead of pouring out my eyes they swell and drown my throat.
 
It was never safe
 
for me to be soft, to submit to someone else, not even to my self.
 
To surrender my defenses that have kept me safe for so so so long. In my mind, being soft meant signing the warrant to my imminent demise. 
 
I have been fighting and surviving my whole life. Being born a warrior isn't always what it's cracked up to be. I'm not complaining, I hold my chin high because of everything I have survived. But sometimes, it's the moments of quiet that kill me. When my mind is still and my body is at rest. When there is nothing and no one around to hurt me, I fantasize about this. About me, just being...me. I fantasize about not always having to protect...my self. Not always having to defend...myself.  I don't know any other life than one where I wake up every day swinging. Every day I'm yelling, "IS THERE ANYONE THATS GONNA FIGHT FOR ME??!! ANYONE?!"
 
I. Am. Tired.
Tied of having to lullaby my thoughts, my hurt, my pain to sleep.
My soul,
my heart, my mind... is tired.
I'm ready to discover what lies beneath the armor.
 
So, I say the softest prayer to my heart, lower than the softer whisper...so soft the angles have to press their ears to my chest to hear me exhale, "I surrender."
With the tears I have choked down for so long finally escaping from their life sentance rolling down my face, 
"I surrender."
"I surrender."
"I surrender."
 
Crystals: Rose Quartz
Bead Colors: Matte Black, Cranberry, Cranberry Lined Orange, Frosted Baby Pink, Cream, Bronze
Chakra: Heart, Sacral, Root